I'm trying

I was watching movie about Dracula the other evening. There was a battle scene towards the end. Everyone was fighting and running and doing everything they could to save themselves and others. Somewhere in the middle of all that the Queen looked at her husband and said ‘I’m trying!’

At first I thought it was a little comical, or ironic at least. The characters are in a life or death situation. Why on earth would she not be doing everything humanly possible in that instant to save people? She was doing her best. And her husband questioning her meant that she was taking time away from her task to say that she’s trying. That was a waste of time and energy. But hey, it’s an action movie. It’s supposed to be dramatic, right?

The movie finished and I sat there for a minute and let it sink in. And then it dawned on me, there was a time in my life where I had to defend myself and my actions and I often said 'I'm trying'. I said it at least once a week. I said it because I was constantly pressured and told to do more. I wasn't supported. I was consistently told I wasn't good enough. It was the only message I ever received; not good enough

I was working 2 jobs, cooking, cleaning, making life happen by myself. And no, I wasn’t a single parent juggling kids. I was 24 and engaged to a man that wouldn’t get off the couch. He wouldn’t do anything. He would ‘forget’ to eat and just sleep all day.

And here I was, taking care of us, working my ass off so he could do…I don’t know what he did all day. I had allowed myself to get into a situation where I was the one explaining myself to him, like I was somehow not doing enough.

I had completed therapy. My PTSD and triggers were under control. I could function in society. Yet...the main things that I took away from my assault were still there, embedded deep within my psyche. I didn't matter, I wasn't worth anything, I wasn't good at anything I did, I wasn't enough.

I had unknowingly found myself in a very unhealthy situation that took advantage of my experience. And even though I was 'better' my life wasn't. I hadn't made any changes. I hadn't made a life for me. I was making decisions because I was afraid. I wasn't really choosing anything. I had slipped back into old patterns and habits.

And, I guess looking back, the scary part for me was that I didn’t find myself in this situation overnight. It had slowly evolved over years. Once upon a time he worked, he said ‘I love you’ and ‘thank you’. It started out as a partnership. But he was no longer my partner. The minute I felt the need to say 'I'm trying' in order to explain my actions to him was the minute the dynamics of the relationship changed. He was no longer supportive. He was no longer good for me, my health, my healing, or my future. He wasn't a partner.

And I couldn't see what was happening because those feelings of 'not good enough' were so ingrained.

Luckily, I left that situation years ago and it wasn’t until I watched the Dracula movie that it dawned on me that I never feel the need to say ‘I’m trying’ anymore.

I am no longer pressured into feeling like I am not good enough. Because guess what...? I am good enough. I'm freaking awesome and amazing and smart and beautiful and talented. I always have been, I just didn't always believe it. I had gotten lost in a place where I forgot to tell myself that and those around me didn't remind me of my good qualities.

So...I recreated my life. I began making conscious choices and moved away from making decisions because I was afraid. I began making a life that focused on my talents, dreams, and values. When I live that life it's so easy to give it my all. I am always doing my best because I love the life that I'm living and I love what I'm working towards.

I’ve gotten older, and in theory, a little wiser. I now have a partner who loves me and supports me. My partner see the life I've created and can see the passion I have for it. He knows that I am doing my best, I don't have to tell him. He can see it in everything I do.

That doesn't make me perfect. But, that does make me motivated and driven and focused.

I wake up excited. I wake up ready to go. I find my life energizing and interesting. I smile more often, laugh harder. The colors even seem brighter. I see the world differently.

And I never say the words 'I'm trying'.